In every relationship, there is a natural tension between Self and Other. Between individuality and oneness; separation and connection. 

We’re not meant to resolve this duality by opting for either side of the scale.

The art of relationship is in flexibly flowing through these opposites. It's about finding a balance. We are meant to engage in a dance between Self and Other, a dance that simultaneously creates an integrated narrative and allows for each individual’s expression.

In a two-person dance, there is an ebb and a flow. A constant coming together and coming apart interwoven by the thread of music governing both people.

Gifted dancers often create a certain magic – they move as one, but also as two.

Even in the unity of a close embrace, there is space for self-expression. Each dancer responds individually and intuitively to subtle cues by feeling the other’s energy.

Then, as the dancers spin out and away from each other, they begin to move with ever-greater unique flair. This expression still remains bound by a shared rhythm that tells a cohesive story.

Watching this improvization always puts a smile on my face, as it's the perfect depiction of the dynamic between Self & Other:

This dance is present across every dimension of our relationships. 

Today, I want to provide just one example.

In a long-term romantic relationship, you must make space for your partner’s individuality to manifest by supporting their dreams. At the same time, you must unite to craft a shared vision.

A relationship disproportionately tilted towards either direction will feel incomplete.

Support Your Partner’s Dreams

Our hopes and dreams are the most vulnerable parts of us. 

These are places where a tiny seed has taken root and begun to sprout. Although this seedling may contain an inner vision of what it wishes to become, it has no way of knowing whether the myriad of environmental factors – the right amount and quality of sun, water, air, nutrients, temperature, and soil – would nurture its life or halt it.

We have no way of knowing, with certainty, whether we will be able to bring our images of the future to life. 

Unfortunately, instead of becoming gardeners that provide nurturance and inspiration to this plant, many people simply pour scalding criticisms over their partner’s dreams.

There goes the hope – extinguished. It’s a tragic loss. 

A person’s aspirations are the purest expression of who they really are. Although dreams are a potentiality rather than a reality, they are articulations of the soul’s mission in life.

To malign someone’s dreams is to do violence to their individual essence. That’s not something you want to do to somebody you love.

In my previous article on relationships, I argued that to love is to forgive continually. When we pluck the weeds that grow in our gardens, a space for renewal and new beginnings is created.

But to love is also to nurture. Without nourishment, nothing can grow. 

When somebody has big dreams, the world won’t always be supportive. Even if they’re trying to make a positive impact. Sometimes it might be difficult for them to keep the vision alive, or it may be difficult to dream in the first place.

Don’t underestimate the power of having one person that believes in you. Everyone needs just one person. You can choose to be that person for your partner.

Intimate relationships can either be a fertile ground for personal growth, or they can become stifling environments where dreams wither away under the weight of disapproval and lack of support.

The greatest gift you can give another is to honour their individuality. To hold as sacred the uniqueness of who they are and who they are becoming.

When you grant your partner the right to be who they are – although it may be different from who you are – when you grant them the right to unfold as they are meant to, even if it may be different from how you’re unfolding, you begin to cultivate a better relationship. 

There can be no dance – no intimacy or tight-knit unity – without two individuals living from within, bringing the highest truth of their soul into material reality.

Craft a Shared Vision

If you reject someone’s deepest dreams, their most sacred inner truth, they’ll reject yours. It’s a dead end.

When you support each other’s dreams, you set the foundation for building a shared vision. 

Over time, through communications about goals and fears, successes and setbacks, re-calibrations and re-routings, you might notice common elements between your aspirations. Even if your specific goals are different, common principles might govern them both. 

For example, the desire to help others can be realized through many distinct avenues. Creativity can flow from the great estuary down many rivers. And still, these separate trails never cease to be connected and together contribute to the delicate balance of their ecosystem.

The common principles that commandeer both your visions are your shared values.

A lasting relationship requires some overlap in values – it’s difficult to come together if you have nothing in common. If there is no shared song, there can be no dance.

But people often do not look beyond the surface to find commonalities. They don't try very hard. Two human beings can be wildly different and still be the same in some important and integral way that allows them to connect and build something together.

You can begin by asking how what is important to your partner relates to what is important to you. How it could perhaps even help you achieve what is important to you. You can also ask how what is important to you can help your partner achieve what is important to them.

I believe everything is interconnected. Two people are drawn to each other for a reason; common ground can always be found. You just need to have the desire and the will to find the specific thread, the estuary, the music that connects you both.

Reflect on all dimensions of your partnership.

• How do you perceive the balance between Self and Other within your relationship? Where do you notice harmony, and where do you sense imbalance?
• Does your relationship honour the individuality of both partners? Are there aspects of your relationship that inhibit personal growth, either for yourself, your partner, or both?
• In what areas is your self-expression stifled? In what areas is your partner's expression suppressed? How can you create an environment that allows for more freedom and authenticity?
• Are there any areas where your individual expressions appear disconnected or in conflict? How can you find common ground?
• Reflect on the shared values, interests, and aspirations that govern your relationship. What overarching narrative emerges from the unique interplay of your individual stories?

To answer these questions, and find possible solutions to any restrictions or imbalances, you'll need to engage your creative rather than rational faculties.

Approach the topic with openness and imagination, like a dancer.

Sometimes you just need a different perspective.

Physically dance with your partner. Try it. It might teach you something unexpected. It might improve your relationship.