How to Build A Thriving Relationship

Many people think meeting the right person means the relationship will be effortless.

Actually, the real work begins when you find the right person.

A relationship is like a garden. It requires tending to, if you want it to flourish optimally.

Today, we discuss what it means to love.

See & Be Seen

“To see and to be seen. That is the truest nature of love."

– Brené Brown

The Masks We Wear

Many people show up in relationships with the same mask worn in society. Even if we practice being authentic, we still never let slip every single facet of who we really are.

We were conditioned to do this during childhood – first by our parents, then by teachers, peer groups, or the broader culture. 

Everyone was rewarded for behaving the “right” way and punished for violating these expectations. As a result, we learned to suppress both positive and negative traits deemed socially undesirable. 

Some suppression of self, particularly of our animalistic impulses, is important for a stable society. But in learning to hide parts of ourselves, we also began to conceal the individuality that makes real intimacy possible.

Does anyone feel completely free to share themselves? 

After all, it could overwhelm the other person, we’re not convinced anyone could love us if they ever saw the truth, and anyway, we've been rejected in the past.

So, we don the false face. 

In the beginning, at least.

Illusions are Bound to Shatter

It’s hard to hide who you are for very long, especially if you are sharing a living space, traveling, or going through life’s challenges together. 

Your partner will observe you in your natural habitat and, when you’re not paying attention, they will notice details that even you are blind to. 

The truth eventually bleeds through the disguise. 

But to discover that you don’t really know the person you’re with is very painful. The further into the relationship and the bigger the illusion, the harder it is. Nobody wants to be in this position.

Broken illusions breed a sense of betrayal and broken trust that is difficult to overcome. Many relationships don’t survive that.

Some illusions are not intentionally constructed, though. Maybe you’re not trying to lie to anyone, you just don’t know yourself very well. So it seems like you’re all over the place, always changing. 

You don’t have to eliminate every possibility of illusion. But if you want to decrease your chances of creating or feeding any big illusions, then do your best to show up as yourself. 

Show Up As Yourself

The idea of being yourself might fill you with fear, but there’s no way around it.

An intimate relationship requires vulnerability. As Brené Brown says, "staying vulnerable is a risk we have to take if we want to experience connection."

Even if you feel exposed and uncomfortable, summon the courage to break through your fear of rejection, dismissal, and disapproval. Even for a little while. With practice, it gets easier to maintain. Especially if you have a partner that encourages you.

Over time, you’ll begin to create a space where true connection can grow.

Showing up as yourself begins with making a commitment to authenticity. With others, yes, but first with yourself.

Every day, you must sit down in a moment of self-reflection and be honest. Acknowledge your strengths, but don’t hide from the warts. Acknowledge your flaws, but don’t bury any treasures you hold. Every day, seek to know yourself a little better than the day before. 

Relationships themselves are a great way to deepen your self-knowledge. Sometimes you will be unconscious of something, perhaps a habitual behavioural pattern, like regularly using alcohol or food to regulate your emotions. 

In interacting with the other person, this pattern will make itself known to you. Don’t fight the information, but take the opportunity to develop a deeper understanding of yourself.

Showing up as yourself is not static – it means being present with the greatest knowledge that you have of yourself at this moment.

This knowledge will naturally grow and evolve over time.

See Your Partner for Who They Are

It’s a two-way street. If you want to be seen, then you should return the gift. 

Don’t construct fictitious identities in your mind. See the reality of the other person, not your imagination of who they could be. See the reality, not their own imagination of who they are. See beyond fantasies, into your partner’s soul.

Sometimes you’ll have to work hard so you don’t perceive your partner through the lens of your own history.

Maybe you were hurt by people who could not maintain a commitment in the past. You'll then distrust your partner even though they’ve never given you a reason to.

Your perception is always filtered through the beliefs you adopted in response to past experiences. Naturally, you’ll try to understand the present moment, including your partner, from the perspective of these beliefs.

But you’re not powerless in this process.

Begin to observe the activity of your mind – start to examine where your thoughts, beliefs, and perceptions came from.

Are they accurate reflections of reality or are they distortions? What would be an accurate reflection of reality? Write out the alternate thought and practice it. Does that feel better?

Whether you are blinded by rage, you tend to have a negative focus, or you often jump to conclusions… You’ll often fail at seeing your partner as they are. But a daily practice of undistracted mindfulness and self-examination can act as a shield against these natural tendencies.

Soon enough, though, you will begin to encounter behaviours and traits that you don’t like very much. Uh-oh.

Choose Love Over Self-Righteousness

Everyone has irritating, undesirable, and even downright wicked parts. 

What you do when you meet these personalities in your partner will determine the fate, and the depth, of your relationship.

Many of us tend to become self-righteous when we confront another person’s flaws. We feel superior. It’s so common to begin blaming, shaming, and condemning.

We think we have the right to dish out punishment.

We might even feel justified to behave in equally despicable ways.

Let’s examine a story from the Gospels of John (John 8:1-11) that I think can teach us a lot about love.

Hypocrisy & Self-Righteousness 

On this particular day, Jesus is teaching in the temple when he is rudely interrupted by several Pharisees. 

They barge in with a woman that has been caught in the act of adultery. Smugly, they say the Law commands the woman to be stoned as punishment for her sin and ask Jesus what he thinks about that. 

They do this in an attempt to entrap Jesus – he is damned if he agrees, and damned if he doesn’t. If he approves, he will be discredited in the eyes of the people he's teaching. If he objects, he will be arrested for speaking against the Law.

At first, Jesus ignores the question and continues to write on the ground. But when they keep pestering him, he stands up to say: “He who is sinless (anamartētos) among you, let him throw a stone at her first.” 

When the Pharisees hear this, they begin to leave one by one.

After they are gone, Jesus does not condemn the woman but simply tells her to “go, and sin (hamartane) no more.” 

In this chapter, two different Greek words are used in the original text – anamartētos and hamartane.

"Hamartane'' is derived from "hamartia," meaning "to err" or "to miss the mark." Originally coined in Aristotle's Poetics, the term describes a protagonist's fatal flaw or error in judgment, which eventually results in a disastrous outcome. This is a fundamental theme in many Greek tragedies.

Anamartētos is supposed to mean the opposite – sinless – but it has a different etymology, deriving from the words ana (without) and martys (witness). Interestingly, this term is not used in any other context in the Gospels.

When trying to condemn another, who is without witness to his own internal hypocrisy? Who isn't simultaneously called to awareness of his own holier-than-thou attitude?

We put on the appearance of righteousness but beneath the surface lies a much darker agenda. 

Outwardly, we say we are pursuing justice for the harm that has been caused by another’s flaw. But inwardly, we secretly harbour impure and ulterior motives. 

We wish to boost our own egos, deflect from our own shortcomings, exert power over others, and revel in inflicting harm and suffering through punishment.

Jesus shows us how to take a more loving approach.

The Transformative Power of Love

Instead of jumping on the impulse to condemn, we can let our conscience bring attention to the real motives at play.

When all is brought to light, we quickly realize we have no right to condemn anyone else. We give up our fight. Then, we can approach the situation with consciousness rather than reflexively reacting like animals. 

In a conscious state, we still recognize our partner’s flaws. We still acknowledge the hurt that has been caused. But then we let it go and say, “now go, and err no more.”

Jesus responds to the woman not by negating or erasing her error, nor even by understanding or accepting her sin, but simply with love.

Flaws don’t have to be fatal. They don’t have to cause irreparable suffering. Destruction is not inevitable – there is always hope for a renewal, if the flaw is met with love.

Most people think love is a feeling, something as fleeting as infatuation or admiration. That’s not the case. 

Love is a choice. To love despite the flaws you see in another, to love regardless of the conditions you perceive, is not a feeling; it is a conscious choice to simply… begin again.

Love is not a choice we make because it’s easy or enjoyable. 

It is a choice we make for its transfigurative power.

Love creates the possibility for a new beginning.

Love, not admonition, is what allows people to go on and miss the mark no more.

Forgive, Repair, and Create New Beginnings

When I discussed writing this article with my boyfriend, he said the biggest problem in relationships is the inability to properly repair what has been broken. 

I think that’s very true.

Nowadays, it is normal to throw things away when they break. People have lost the skills and the patience to repair anything. They’d rather find something new, not yet so damaged.

Kintsugi offers us a different perspective. It is the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery by adorning the fractures with a golden lacquer.

As a philosophy, it isn't just about mending what has been broken.

Instead of seeing the fractures as defects or deficiencies, the potter actively accentuates them with gold to immortalize the object's unique journey. Through this process, the pot is repaired, but it is also enriched with a new beginning.

We can apply this philosophy to our relationships.

It is important to realize that fractures in relationships don't diminish the value of your connection. When repaired, they can leave you with something deeper, more beautiful, and meaningful than before.

To repair what has been broken, you must forgive.

One of my favourite writers, Cynthia Bourgeault, writes in Love Is Stronger Than Death: The Mystical Union of Two Souls: 

"Everything that is tough and brittle shatters. Everything that is cynical rots. The only way to endure is to forgive, over and over. To give back that openness and possibility for new beginnings which is the very essence of love itself.”

Forgiveness is always about seeing in a new light.

When you forgive somebody, you’re no longer mentally holding a knife to their throat, thinking: “This is how you were... This is what you did…”

So many people keep each other stuck because they cannot let go of the old script. They rage against the circumstance, but never think different thoughts or speak different words.

People transform when engaged with anew, as if for the first time. It creates the opportunity for them to grow, to change, and be different.

So, forgive, over and over, and over. Create the space for a new beginning, over and over, and over. Love again, and again, and again.

Transformation doesn't happen overnight. It requires constant renewal.

That is the key to a thriving garden.